Teachers Lament, Headmasters Vent
by Ten-Tailed-God
Summary: Due to inter-dimensional rifting through space and time in the cosmic conundrum of Ozpin's office, said headmaster gets the chance to meet other like-minded individuals who shall help him in his goal of making a better school, with classes full of children being taught the meaning of life, or is it all part of one giant plan?


Ozpin was having a slow day. Sure, he had quite the exciting day yesterday with launching children into a forest full of monsters for an orientation, but he really felt that there could have been much more. He was disappointed when none of the student actually got horribly maimed or killed since apparently Glynda, his secretary/teacher, prevented him from doing so. Originally his plan involved launching the kids into the forest and then opening cages that were full of Griffons and Nevermore which would then attack the students in midair which the students would need to block in order to survive. That was not too insane. It was perfectly doable, it's just because the students are scrubs that they couldn't handle the challenge. At least there was some entertainment with watching one Nevermore attack the students along with a Deathstalker. He was sure that Jaune Arc, the student who forged his transcripts would die during that but somehow he managed to survive. Was there nothing that could kill at least one of these kids? The gray haired man sighed as he took a sip of his coffee.

At least Glynda was unable to control whose teams he could put the students on. That sure showed her when he announced that Jaune Arc would be leading one team, hopefully to their deaths, and Ruby Rose would be leading the other team, even when she was severely under qualified. Now he had to look at the expenses bill that Glynda dropped off in his mail box. When he opened the letter on his awesome touchscreen desk which was worth every penny, he found that there were numerous expenses to a person known as Professor Peach. Who the hell was that? He was sure that he had never hired that person onto his staff before. He wasn't even sure if Peach was a first or last name, or even if the person was male or female. This would not do. He needed some more teachers to teach all of the faceless/nameless students in his school, and he just wasn't able to find anyone to hire who wasn't either taken by another school, or filled with a huge amound of PTSD.

And then there was the massive bill for coffee. Ozpin didn't think he spent that much on coffee or on the coffee worker in the basement of his school who did nothing but use his Semblance to teleport more coffee into his cup. He would need to give Jerry a raise for that as that man had been the most consistent worker out of his entire staff. Let's see, what's next? Oh yes, the massive energy bill for the school. He could understand the cost for keeping the power on in the entire academy, but did it really take that much power to keep a comatose girl with magic powers alive on life support under the school? At least he had found a special use for the girl's Fall Maiden powers besides giving little girls everywhere the ability to fly and feel special, she also heated up the school's boiler and saved money on the heating for the entire school.

Next on his list was the myriad of complaints from James Ironwood who had been whining about security or something along those lines. Did James know nothing, the more security you bring to a situation, the bigger the epic failure it will be when it is eventually thwarted by something. Ozpin was sure that he warned James about how his robots could be hacked but the guy just ignored him, he didn't even install any security measures like firewalls or at least a simple virus protection program. That man was just doomed to have his robots pull a murderous rampage on him or something along those lines.

Ozpin stretched his arms above his head and read through more of the bills that were due. It was just getting ridiculous with what he was owing to these people. With that, Ozpin closed the message on his 10,000 lien desk and leaned back with coffee in hand. He always felt comfortable in his gear dick chair. Now that had been a great purchase worth every lien spent. It was wonderful at supporting a person's back while also showing how much bigger in both strength and virility you were to everyone else. It had certainly won him many an argument due to all those who gazed upon it being struck with weakness. Now if only he could weaponize this chair...he would need to get some wheels or something to let it hover, then he could probably take over Remnant.

His biggest problem though, was that he needed some teachers as having only three teachers plus one imaginary teacher did nothing for his school's reputation. Maybe he should just-

In front of Ozpin a swirling purple vortex opened which made Ozpin's eyebrow arch up slightly. Now this was new, he wasn't expecting a portal full of hell creatures for at least another week. Within moments, the portal made a slurping sound before launching out a purple covered figure. Eventually this purple figure stood up to reveal itself to be an old man in a purple robe with a pointy purple hat. "Could you tell me what you are possibly doing in my office?" Ozpin asked in curiosity. He just hoped this guy was going to stay and or had combat experience since he desperately needed some teachers.

The old man whose beard went down to his stomach brushed himself off before looking around the office with an analytical gaze. Then his eyes which were covered in a pair of gold rimmed spectacles looked at him. "Hello there, are you God or any other type of religious figure whose whim will determine my afterlife because I'm sure that I wasn't that much of a manipulative prick to any of my students." Ozpin's mouth formed a smile at this.

"Students you say?"

"Yes, I was once the headmaster at my school until I had one of my teachers kill me and take the fall for it in one giant convoluted plan which would eventually get one of my students killed so that he could fulfill a prophecy by a crazy woman who lived in a tower of my school." The headmaster said in one breath. The smile on Ozpin's face grew larger at this.

"You're hired." Ozpin said immediately afterwards.

"What? But you don't even know my name." The old man replied.

"Doesn't matter, I need a teacher for my academy and you have prior teaching experience. I just need to know, do you have any form of quirk or something along those line?" Ozpin asked with excitement at the prospect of getting a new teacher.

"Well, I manipulate everyone around me, I endanger the lives of my students, I am full of whimsy, I'm a wizard, and I am ambiguously gay. I hope that helps you." Ozpin set his coffee cup down at this and stood up. Then he walked around his desk and up to the old man before taking the wrinkled hands into his own.

With an expression of awe, Ozpin replied, "You're perfect. You're pretty much just like me in every way. Please work for me." Ozpin begged. The man nodded in response.

"I'll do it for you then. Could you please tell me though, can any of your students use magic?" The man asked.

"Close enough. We have one comatose girl in the basement who can do magic, but magic is so undefined in this world that pretty much anyone who has a Semblance is using magic. We even have an old wizard in one of our fairy tales." The man nodded at this.

"Good, then my name is Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore." Ozpin squeed at hearing the man's name. This was probably one of the best candidates for teaching that he had ever seen. Ozpin then took a moment to recollect himself in front of his new staff member and looked him in the eyes.

"I am Ozpin, and I am the headmaster of Beacon." Dumbledore looked about the area he was in before saying anything.

"Quaint." Just as he did so, another portal of purple opened up next to the two men. Ozpin felt excited at who would come through this portal. Please let it be someone who could be a staff member.

His question was answered when a man with spiky white hair jumped through the portal. The man had a metal plated head band and red tattoos on his face while his clothing consisted of a green shirt and pants along with a red vest and a pair of wooden sandals. He looked at the room before looking at the two men inside of it. "So, this is what the afterlife looks like. I expected more big breasted girls." The man remarked. "Which one of you two would be Kami?" The man asked.

"Neither of us, good fellow. I am in the same predicament as you for I too was supposed to die, by one of my own workers no less." Dumbledore said in an effort to clear up the confusion.

"I got killed by one of my own students." The white haired man replied. Both Dumbledore and the new arrival began looking each other up and down before coming to a sense of camaraderie that could only come to pass due to both being killed by those close to them. It truly was a heart melting sight. Eventually Ozpin interrupted this moment by walking up to the new arrival.

"I'm looking for new teachers for my school, could you please tell me about yourself as I wish to hire you." Ozpin stated. The man put his hand under his chin and began thinking about his options before nodding. He then backed away from the two before slamming his right foot onto the ground in front of himself. Then confetti exploded out from behind himself while he held his right arm outstretched before himself with his left hand extended out to the side of his body.

"I am the hermit of Mount Myoboku! The wise and immortal spirit, that's right it is I the toad mountain sage, Jiraiya of the Sannin!" Jiraiya shouted out while making a dance. Ozpin and Dumbledore clapped at this to which Jiraiya bowed to the men. "Thank you, thank you! You're the first who have ever given me such praise for my entrance." Jiraiya said with a smile.

"That was beautiful. Do you have any quirks to you that we may know about?" Ozpin asked.

"Well, I have written great novels appreciated far and wide, and I am a super pervert!"

"You're definitely hired." Ozpin replied. He then walked back over to his desk and opened a drawer in it which contained a bottle of wine and a few glasses for a special occasion. Then he set the glasses upon the table and opened the wine before pouring it out into the three glasses. He handed the wine to both Jiraiya and Dumbledore with himself also getting a glass. Dumbledore pulled out from his pocket a knobbly stick with a handle before pointing it at the glass of wine. Instantaneously the wine which once had a red shade now took on an orange color. "What did you just do?" Ozpin asked curiously.

"I changed my wine to some pumpkin juice. The stuff is truly marvelous." Ozpin nodded in response before holding his glass out.

"A toast to two new teachers of Beacon!" Ozpin stated. The two other men clicked their glasses together with Ozpin's before sipping the drinks down. Eventually Jiraiya was the first to speak.

"I have a question as to where I am if I'm not dead, could you please answer it?" Jiraiya asked.

"You are right now in the world of Remnant, in it are four kingdoms that are each divided upon what their personal schtick is. Here in Vale, we are the most mentally balanced with a host of people who flock here that are great fighters. Up north is the kingdom of Atlas whose schtick is to be filled with milateristic assholes who are the only people with robots or mechs. To the east is the kingdom of Mistral which is full of artistic wimps who somehow manage to shit out really good fighters every once in a while. Finally to the west is the kingdom of Vacuo which as it's name implies, is a empty wasteland full of people who wander about without any shirts on and whose main saying is, 'level up scrubs'. Each kingdom is constantly assaulted by dark creatures known as Grimm who try to destroy all of humanity and are attracted to dark emotion, much like how those of photojournalism are attracted to a train-wreck. This is the reason our schools were built, in order to house children with superpowers who shall be trained to fight the forces of darkness, possibly die or become extremely jaded badasses. Oh, and we have a race of people who have the traits of animals called the Faunus who are the victims of racism because apparently people don't like how the Faunus can live out their lives as constant furries." Ozpin then pulled out his coffee and took a sip of it.

"Any questions?" Ozpin asked.

"Do you have attractive ladies here?" Jiraiya asked.

"Yes, a lot actually. Many of them even prefer to wear high heels into battle, no idea as to why they think that it's a good idea or how they actually manage it, but they do. Remnant is full of the hot chicks, almost like some almighty being out there had a hard-on for hot chicks that could fight." Jiraiya gained a blissful look as he pulled out a notepad and began to write into it.

"Does this world have any chosen one that we should be looking out for?" Dumbledore asked.

"Actually, in the grand scheme of things, we have four that are right now being hunted for some nefarious purpose due to some old man giving four girls epic powers many years ago." Ozpin replied.

"Excellent." Dumbledore replied with the look of a man who was planning something large.

"Actually, that sounds like my world with its nine tailed beasts that were created by an old man which were eventually sealed into people and are being hunted down by a group with a nefarious purpose for them." Jiraiya stated. "My student was one of those people, I really wonder how he is doing right now." Jiraiya pondered.

* * *

 **Meanwhile in the Elemental Nations**

* * *

A blonde boy in a red cloak was screaming in pain as a orange haired man with multiple piercings in his face, stabbed his hands into the ground with a black metal rod. "Feel pain, nine tails." The man said with satisfaction at his downed opponent.

"This is so much pain!" The blonde screamed as no one came to help him.

* * *

 **Back in Remnant**

* * *

 ****"Yeah, he's probably doing fine. So, what should we do now?" Jiraiya asked.

"Well, Jiraiya, what is your specialty in? Fighting? Learning? History?" Ozpin asked.

"Fighting, easily."

"Then you'll be working with my other staff member, Glynda Goodwitch, who will be training our students to fight." Ozpin replied while taking a sip of his coffee.

"Is she hot?" Jiraiya asked. Ozpin replied by miming out a pair of large breasts which made Jiraiya jump for joy. This was when Dumbledore had to let his opinion known.

"What will I be teaching?" Dumbledore asked. Ozpin looked at the older man before replying.

"You'll be working on teaching students about the utilization of Dust, Aura, and Semblances since all of them are basically magic, even if nobody wants to admit it. I really don't know why, but it could be a lot worse. By the way, are any of you really against the injury and/or abuse of children?" Ozpin pondered. Both men shook their heads. "This will be a great year." As Ozpin said this, another purple portal opened up next to the three men which caused Ozpin to once again squee for joy. Who would possibly be coming out from the portal this time?

The portal opened up and with a slurping noise, a figure clad in black garb was shot out of the portal. He groaned for a moment before lifting himself off the ground and looking at the three other figures in the room. He had shaggy hair along with an unshaven face while he wore black shirt, vest, pants, and leather shoes along with fingerless gloves. To complete the look was a long black coat that went down to his shins. He dusted himself off. "Can anyone tell me if the afterlife has a bathroom because I really need to take a piss." The man announced. Ozpin just pointed to the window of his office.

"I usually just piss right out the window. The students down there usually think that it's rain." The man nodded and began walking to the window before coming back.

"Is this the afterlife? Because it seems a little...lower on expectations." The man asked. Ozpin smiled and shook his head.

"You are in the same boat as my two friends here. They too, are here due to similar reasons of being killed, which I'm guessing that you were as well." Ozpin replied which made the man nod. "Oh, good, then that means I can hire you!" Ozpin said excitedly. "Tell me, you aren't adverse to the possible harm of children while you teach, are you?" The man shook his head in reply which almost made Ozpin jump for joy. This would definitively show Glynda up with her constant worry of the children of the school. Those kids needed to go through many near-death experiences if they wanted to get through life, why didn't she understand that. Besides, its not like his methods of teaching were worse than what they did in Atlas. Those guy were known for making their students run naked out in the snowy terrain, being forced to huddle up to one another for warmth while also defending themselves from Grimm. He and Ironwood had a laugh at that.

The black garbed man walked over to the window and opened it before the sound of him zipping his pants could be heard. Then the man began freely pissing in the wind with a sigh of relief before zipping his pants up and walking back to the others. "Now, could you please tell us about yourself?" Ozpin asked.

"Well, my name is Balthazar and I'm a sorcerer who was taught under Merlin, who made me immortal, to combat the forces of darkness with my girlfriend and my best friend who got friend zoned by the girl on our team and turned completely evil. After that he got Merlin killed and my girlfriend possessed, which forced me to seal her into a doll, and me sent on a journey to find someone who could replace Merlin and beat back the forces of evil once again. All I got was a whiny kid with a nasally voice who I then had to train in the forces of magic." Balthazar replied which caused the three other men to nod at this.

"I absolutely love putting teams of two guys and a girl together. It is always funny to watch one of the two guys turn evil for some reason and then split the team apart." Ozpin stated. Too bad Glynda had caught onto what he had been doing for a few years straight since those teams usually turned on each other after their third year, or when the more mentally unstable of their group finally snapped due to childhood trauma or the like. "Still, my name is Ozpin and I run the academy that you're standing in. Next to me is Jiraiya of the Sannin who was a fighter-"

"Ninja." Jiraiya interrupted.

"-ninja who trained students and died due to one of them, and then this is Albus Dumbledore who was a headmaster for a school of magical children and was killed by one of his own teachers." Ozpin finished with a smile and a sip of coffee. Jerry certainly made a really good batch today.

"I was killed by my teacher's enemy." Balthazar replied.

"Oh marvelous, that certainly is a new one!" Dumbledore replied while taking out his wand and aiming it at the floor by his feet. With a flick and a wave, Dumbledore then quickly pocketed his wand. The three other men looked at Dumbledore with confused looks as to what he just did. Dumbledore, after noticing these looks decided to offer an explanation. "I had to go to the bathroom. I just needed to remove the waste that I left behind." The other men nodded at this in agreement along with the logic of never having to actually use a toilet.

"Now, Balthazar, would you be interested in a teaching positions, since my school desperately needs teachers for it? We'll pay you handsomely." Ozpin asked. Balthazar took a moment to think about this before replying.

"I'll do it, but only if all of us get to abuse and mold a single student into a powerhouse." Balthazar replied. Ozpin smiled at this. That was extremely easy to do since there were so many students in this school that could be taken in by the four of them. One student that came to mind that needed a bunch of abuse and molding would have to be Jaune Arc. Ozpin was still pissed at how the blonde had managed to survive orientation, so a little pain should make the blonde regret not dying for Ozpin's amusement.

"Done. I'll bring the student to the three of you by Friday." The three teachers looked at one another with slightly sadistic smiles at the thought of molding a new student into a warrior under their abuses. "Now, Balthazar, I'm guessing you have fighting experience?" Balthazar nodded.

"I've been fighting the forces of darkness for years and during that time, I've realized that there will never be a fair fight ever. This made me need to lie, cheat, and do whatever it took to win." Balthazar said as he began reminiscing about years gone by.

"Great, you'll make an excellent teacher for a class that I've always wanted to do."

"What would that be?"

"Pragmatism 101. I've seen how the students have always been so trustworthy during fights, and it makes me sick to watch." Ozpin said with disgust, "Where's the hair pulling, the eye-gouging, the groin kicking? Students these days are just too honorable for their own good which has made me reevaluate what class that could beat it out of them. Sadly, Glynda's class is all about melee bouts which really mean nothing in the grand scheme of things except that students will be better at one-on-one matches. I mean, how many students expect to be pitted in a one-on-one fight against a rival, or some type of villain. That's just silly." Ozpin finished while sipping his coffee.

"I guess my work will be cut out for me." Balthazar replied.

"Agreed. I've also been thinking about adding a class for students that will make them know who their obvious enemies are. I mean, I've found to be absurd, the amount of students who can't tell if a person is obviously evil even when that person is busy kicking puppies right in front of their faces. I've thought about calling it, Know Your Enemies 101. Sadly, my staff is not good at telling if someone is obviously evil or not. I may need to make a class for them as well." Ozpin remarked at the end.

"Question, where will we be sleeping?" Jiraiya asked, "And second question, where are the hot springs in this area?" Jiraiya asked with excitement inside of himself.

"There are a few staff quarters in the offices, and there are no hot spings in the area. I'm sorry, Jiraiya..." The white haired pervert looked down in disappointment, "There are however, the woman's showers which Glynda goes to everyday." The depressed mood of Jiraiya's immediately lightened up at the sound of this. "Now, come along, I'll show you to where you'll be staying while also explaining everything of relevance here." Ozpin said while pulling a cane from seemingly out of nowhere. He took a sip of his coffee and led the three other men to the elevators. Just as they were about to enter the elevator, a red portal appeared before the four of them, from it, a red horned head pushed itself out.

"Ozpin, are you available to talk?" The demonic entity asked.

"Nicodemus, you appointment is on Thursday. You are a little early." This surprised the demon who had the grace to look depressed at this.

"Sorry, Ozpin, I'll be back. It's just our dimensional timezones are so different that I forgot about it." Nicodemus replied. Ozpin just nodded with a smile on his face. Mistakes did happen after all. Anyone could be forgiven for them, including demonic entities from another dimension entirely.

"It is fine. I'll see you Thursday." The demon nodded and pulled it's head back into the portal which quickly faded away from existence. The other men looked at Ozpin in confusion as to what just happened. "Yeah, I get visitors from time to time. I'll tell you this, never try to have a existential debate with Yog-Sothoth. It will leave either you or the Sothoth in question with a small headache. I've never gotten a headache but I hear that they are most painful. It's what caused our staff member Charles to retire early." With that, the group entered the elevator and quickly the doors closed.

Eventually after finishing the tour of the school, the group came to the line of staff offices. Ozpin quickly began leading each man into an office, with Jiraiya choosing his office right next to Glynda's, and then afterwards, he took the three to where they would be teaching classes. All in all, this was quite a simple day which Ozpin was enjoying immensely. It was almost as good as when he spoke to that god-emperor from another dimension that was adamant about being called a man-emperor, who could match wits with him and also saw the ridiculous of how people could be so stupid. The last he heard from the emperor, he was stuck in a chair somewhere with some custodian listening to his litany of complaints.

Good times.

As Ozpin toured the men about the premises, the students came out of their classes in order to head to the lunch room. The three men following after Ozpin were given strange looks but the four continued on their way until they finally made it to each of their classrooms.

"Now, each of you will be teaching for an hour everyday. The students will come to your class, and you'll try to shove as much good stuff into their heads as you can. Saturday and Sunday are your days off, and there is a list of names for each student f your class. Their teaching is up to what you wish it to be. Jiraiya," Ozpin turned to look at the white haired man, "You'll be working side-by-side with Glynda in her class. Just try to follow her example and train the students if you believe that they need it. Other than that, you three are free to explore the school for whatever you wish. I'll be in my office contacting some friends of mine, so if you come up, please knock as your heads might explode if you barge in otherwise. Oh yeah, and here is something for all of you," Ozpin quickly pulled out three devices that looked like bars of metal with a gold rhombus in the center of it. "These are your Scrolls, they can be used to contact people and access the internet. I've put my phone number inside of it for each of you," Ozpin quickly sidled up to Jiraiya, "I've put my favorite porn collection inside of this one for you," Ozpin whispered before backing away from the very giddy man.

"Have fun, and try not to do anything which I wouldn't do. Just show up to your classrooms tomorrow and you do great." With that, Ozpin left the four men alone to ponder what they would be doing.

"Anyone hungry?" Dumbledore asked. Jiraiya and Balthazar said yes to this statement. "Then let's go to my office and I'll make us a quick feast." The three men then began walking away to Dumbledore's office.

* * *

 **Yes, truly this is the key to the perfect school! Teachers who are truly involved in the tortu- I mean, teaching of our students. We shall see what will happen next time. Stay frosty my friends.**


End file.
